I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize