Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
