I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
