Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
