You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i love accidental penises.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
