it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
