My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
