Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
