I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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