the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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