i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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