Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
