If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
