"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize