Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
false alarm, still single
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