Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize