I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize