How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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