i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
