he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
