I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
