He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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