i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
