i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
