I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
