i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
