Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
