I am spending my child support on dildos
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize