Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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