my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Say something about gay babies.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
