Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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