I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
