i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
