he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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