the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize