I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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