I'm going to jail i love you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wear drunk well.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
