I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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