the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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