I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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