Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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