Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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