Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize