he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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