he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My liver just had a heart attack.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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