do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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