Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
