U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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