I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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