Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
love makes seman taste better
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
