If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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