Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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