Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
