I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize