i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
