Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
