My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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