Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
