i jhust puked up my retainher.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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