i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
