Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
