Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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