First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
