the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
