Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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