I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
