I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
