oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
